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chex party mix in MY kitchen - (Read 864 Times)
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joeybeth
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 01:11 am

homemade chex party mix was given to my husband on his birthday and what does my husband do? he brings them right into the kitchen (all three bags of them...one is even opened) and leaves them right on the kitchen counter. thinking he surely wouldn't have left peanuts in MY kitchen, i walked by them several times tonight before actually looking into the bags. yep...peanuts...and lots of them. what the #@^* Smiley these people have known about my girls PA for 11 years and send peanuts into my house AND to top it off, my husband lays them on the kitchen counter without a word of caution to me or the girls. i could strangle him.

his excuse...he was planning to take them to work on monday morning. until that time, i suppose he was just hoping the girls didn't accidentally assume they were safe (because this IS their peanut-free haven) and have a bite or two.

grrrrrrrr. sometimes i wonder what goes through his mind.

edited a bit for extended family purposes...

« Last Edited by joeybeth Nov 19th, 2007 at 01:37 pm »
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 07:57 am

Hi Joey,
Did you say anything to DH or BIL? I would have been so angry. Your kid's allergies are not new. I would have probably lost it, picked up the bags, asked them what the H3LL they were thinking bringing that food to your house and put it in the garbage. That would have been a psycho moment for me.
Geeze, your house, like you said is your children's safe haven. That is just wrong for BIL to be so thoughtless and for DH to not say anything....grrr
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 08:24 am

If he was going to take it into work, why didn't it just stay in his car?

That would have upset, me, too!
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Jeannie

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joeybeth
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 08:54 am

with husband and the providers of the party mix...this is nothing new, really. i dont' even think they know what they do when they do things like this, honestly. in their minds, they did a sweet gesture for my husband who used to love it when his mom made party mix at birthdays and holidays. it probably didn't even enter their minds that this house is peanut-free, even though they've known for years now. and my husband, he'd never stand up to his brother even politely. wouldn't even dream of it. (he has no problem offending me or letting the girls have a kitchen with peanuts on the countertop but he'd never hurt his brother's feelings). he's got his priorities, ya know. Smiley

my husband usually at least helps me keep peanuts out of the house or at least puts up with my demand that they be kept out, but holidays are a different thing. it's just a given that certain "traditions" (like stupid, chex party mix WITH peanuts) are necessary with them. nevermind anything else...gotta have our party mix.

and anyway, how hard is it to make chex party mix homemade without peanuts? honestly....you just leave out the peanuts or find some other type of "nut" that no one is allergic to and put it in instead. i still wouldn't let the girls have it still, but at least there wouldn't have been blatant peanuts sitting in an open bag on my kitchen countertops. at least if there was an accidental ingestion, it would have been "may contain" at worst.

part of my problem, besides them being in my kitchen (the kitchen that belongs to my children also, and where they know without asking that they can have anything they want to eat) was that one of the bags was open, meaning my husband probably had a handful prior to bed. he knows how i feel about the possibility of someone kissing the girls goodnight if they've been eating peanuts or handling the girls hands or faces with hands that might have very obvious peanut residue on them. there's the possibility he ate them before tucking them into bed! and, of course then there are the issues of drink sharing which does occur around here from time to time between him and the kids (i'm not a big drink sharer with anyone, if i can avoid it).

also, i just always "assume" that he doesn't eat peanuts away from home. even if he had kept the chex mix in his vehicle or at work, whose to say he doesn't eat a bag of it on the drive home from work and then share a kiss or a drink with one or both of the PA girls?

i should be more upset but it's just so typical. i've learned i cannot tell my husband's family to remember the girls' PA when sending or bringing things into my home. i haven't even found a successful polite way, after all these years, of suggesting it. i really wouldn't dream of telling them what to do in their own home (God knows it wouldn't work anyway), but i do expect some respect for mine. this house belongs to my kids and i don't appreciate them pushing their traditions on them.

...edited to "keep the peace", just in case.

« Last Edited by joeybeth Nov 19th, 2007 at 01:42 pm »
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joeybeth
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 09:13 am

just thinking...why can't my husband do something that would appease both me and the bil's family, while at the same time getting the message across? i just don't see why he couldn't accept the chex party mix while at their home but say "thank you, could you keep it here for me? joey would kill me if i brought it home, with the girls peanut allergy and all?"

that way, he'd be thanking them for the gift, letting them know he'd enjoy it at their house, and still get the message across that maybe a peanut-containing gift would not be the best gift next time. kwim?

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joeybeth
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 09:14 am

well...i know the answer to the question i asked above. just wanted to see if you all did. (it has to do with having a set of you-know-whats).
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 09:48 am

My husband brings home may contains all the time. He just does not learn. I KNOW my son is old enough to know what to eat and what not to but I hate having the stuff in the house. So I toss it or give it away. And still he brings them home.

I know he cares and I know he understands the PA but his head is filled with work and things. He just does not remember the PA stuff too.

Again thankfully DS is old enough to know this but it IS disrespectful in my estimation.

I don't know why some husbands are like that. I'm sorry they were actual peanuts. Did he know Chex Mix has peanuts? Your in laws should have known better also. But the whole airborne and cross contamin. issue is beyond some people.

Peg
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 10:31 am

This may not be a popular opinion here, but this could be a compromise for your family. It works with ours. In our pantry we have a plastic box labeled clearly on all sides with stuff like "Warning contains peanuts" And "NOT for DS". It's way up on the top shelf. In it I keep peanut products in individual servings that DD takes to school with her. Nothing from that box is to be consumed at home. In another spot in the pantry, kind of a "hidden" location that is way out od reach and otherwise has no food items, I keep any "may contain" stuff that DH or I might like to enjoy privately (that is, not in the presence of DS). In fact right now, I have a small box of chocolates that I just got for my birthday there. Usually the items in that place are gifts, but always may contain, not actual peanuts. Other than those two places, everything in our house is safe for DS.
Maybe some similar system of a place to keep anything unsafe would work for you (in the future of course, its too late for the Chex mix situation).
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 10:32 am

http://despair.com/tradition.html

Order the lithograph, have it framed, and hang it in a very prominent place where you can point to it every time someone opens their mouths to defend their traditional peanuts. Smiley
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joeybeth
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 11:02 am

hedgehog:

no disrespect, but my opinion is that this is my kids' house. "may contains" are allowed on occasion, depending on the situation (like if the "may contain" is something very important to husband or older non-PA daughter and usually if it's something the little PA girls wouldn't want to have anyway. this might happen say at christmas or halloween or on DH or older daughter's bday. it's not something that occurs on a regular basis).

but....peanuts are not coming into my house. period. the girls shouldn't, in my opinion, have to navigate around foods they cannot have (because they are literally dangerous) and should not even have to deal with a marked box telling them the items inside are for everyone else but not for them.

that's just me. no judgement. honestly. but i'd never consider a jar of pb or fun food items that the rest of us could have but the girls could not. just from the danger standpoint, it's not going to happen. but even beyond that, i have to say that my girls knowing we'll sacrifice what they have to, is just as important. to me, it's a show of support and a good way to teach them that it's not hard to live without peanuts and something they should learn to do each day. if i can't do it, why would i expect them to?

my husband is a big boy. for his kids, he CAN learn to do with party mix without peanuts and my older daughter has plenty of opp's to eat peanut-y food when visiting her dad's home or friend's homes. (it helps that she's not really a pb enthusiast, even before her sisters (both PA) came along. even if she loved it, she'd have to learn that around here, we sacrifice for the good of another when it becomes necessary.

i guess that's where the difference in comfort zones lies...we all have varying opinions of what is actually necessary. come to think of it, it probably isn't literally necessary to bar peanuts from the home (if you have all kinds of other methods in place to prevent accidents) but i just want my home to be the kind of place where the girls don't have to second guess everything they put into their mouth or touch and where they don't have to go through a list of precautions before they enjoy something. they get enough of that as soon as they leave the front door everyday.

i don't want my husband or older daughter sabotaging the girls' safe environment and i sure don't want extended family doing it. they need to learn to respect the rules of THIS household, just as i have had to come to terms with the fact that they don't bend theirs for us. i think that's fair. Smiley






« Last Edited by joeybeth Nov 19th, 2007 at 01:43 pm »
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joeybeth
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 11:08 am

starlight: i LOVED the framed "tradition" lithograph. how funny and true.
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joeybeth
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 11:14 am

hey hedgehog: again, hope i didn't come across too strong. i get what you said and think it's fine if it works for you and others. i'm sure many households do it that way and, if it works for them, that's great. my girls may grow up one day and decide that's how they want to run their own households even. for me, it's just important for me to stand with them in their PA. (not that other parents/families aren't "standing with" their PA kids if they do it differently). it's just that i want to be the one showing them i can do what they have to do. ideally, i would want their father to do that too. but...i don't get to make his decisions for him (obviously) and that's something he'll have to decide for himself.

the girls and i had a talk this morning about the three bags of party mix with peanuts on the counter (one of them being opened). i told them this is the reason they may have to actually be more alert when in their own home and that i'd try to make sure it didn't happen again but that ultimately it was up to their dad to make it happen. in the past, there has been peanut-free, "safe" party mix in the house (made by me). i didn't want them to just assume anymore that my party mix was the one of the countertop.
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 11:56 am

No offense taken. I knew ours was a solution that would not work for everybody. Just thought I'd throw it out in case it was something you would consider.
The reason the PB box was started in our home was that DD was already a very picky preschooler by the time DS was diagnosed, so that was to appease her, but not endanger her brother. My original thinking was that it would be temporary, but it has been 8 years now.
The other spot came about because DH comes home one evening around Christmas with all kinds of gifts he hasn't even looked at yet. Most are food. what doesn't get chucked immediately goes into that spot, since I don't think any of it is really safe.
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 12:01 pm

[quote author=132 post_id=18839 date=1195400905

Again thankfully DS is old enough to know this but it IS disrespectful in my estimation.


Peg, does your DS find it disrespectful that your DH brings may contains into the house? I think that's the operative question. I understand and respect your concerns and support for your DS as a parent, but from my point of view as an FA adult, it's your DS's allergy, he's had it for years, from what you've shared he handles himself very well, so if he has an issue (or not) with your DH, that's between them, and the primary opinion that counts.

Personally, I live and work safely around other people's nut products and may contains every day and don't find it particularly disrespectful. All I ask is that they not blatantly contaminate my food and that they warn me if they know something is unsafe but it's not obvious that it is. Then I stay away. I don't like it that I have to, and I am pleased when people do accommodate my and other FA people's needs for communal office food, etc. but since I'm not contact or inhalation sensitive (which I know your DS is),and they already accommodate other, more longstanding non-FA related physical needs of mine, I think, in my case, it would be unreasonable to expect people to upend their personal eating habits as well. Again, I know it's more complicated if an adult is contact sensitive, or if the FA person is a young child, but my point is there are ways to coexist safely, even at home, if your DS wants to. If he doesn't want to, then I think he's the one who needs to impress that on your DH.
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joeybeth
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Post Icon Posted: Nov 18th, 2007 at 01:18 pm

in general, i don't have a problem with may contains being around my kids either. in my house, it has to be something that's announced so they know it's there and to avoid it. as i said before, it also helps if it's something the two younger girls either do not like or would not be tempted to eat anyhow. mostly, there are no "may contains" brought in to my home, but it does happen. not a huge deal in terms of high risk, imo.

but again, peanuts are an entirely different thing in my opinion. bringing in peanuts and/or peanut butter or things that contain them as a part of the ingredient list, is not okay with me.

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